We have moved. We are living in a one bedroom cottage on 34th St about one block east of Guadalupe. It's the cutest little place and our neighbors are all fantastic.
Two days after we signed the lease here, while we were still staying at our place on 21st, two people were shot to death in their apartment a few doors down from us. It was a horrible scene to come home to: crime tape, police, forensics, crowds.. It was also a very strange farewell to the apartment where I drew the tarot card "Death". It was one of several untimely deaths since our moving in.
We are moving on though, moving forward. I will do another reading here in this house and I hope it will be full of happiness and light. I just found out I am living about a block away from Jessica's old apartment. I asked Jill for a picture. If I get one, it will be like a reunion with a friend I haven't laid eyes on in years.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Dream: Childhood Videos
I had this dream a few days ago...
In this dream I was following links on YouTube. I don't think I've ever dreamed about surfing the net before.. probably a good time to cut back on that kind of activity. While I was looking, I came across a video of me as a kid.. and then realized that there were many, many more. Most of these videos were of me at school, not at home. Me singing, me playing, me being funny. There I am in elementary school choir, in dance class, at an outside water fountain, on a swing set.. Sometimes aware of the camera and interacting with it, other times not. It was like looking at old pictures of myself, but they were moving and talking.
I looked for some clarification. The letters were scrambled. ABEL PAYNE, it said- in an attempt to hide itself, I thought. But I had found them. I found person who had posted these videos and they admitted that they had videos of nearly my entire childhood at school. Are there videos of other people?, I asked. No, they replied. I can't remember now if it was a man or a woman- a woman, I think. She said there was nothing harful intended. She had just been fascinated with me and thought I was special. It was strange. So strange.
In this dream I was following links on YouTube. I don't think I've ever dreamed about surfing the net before.. probably a good time to cut back on that kind of activity. While I was looking, I came across a video of me as a kid.. and then realized that there were many, many more. Most of these videos were of me at school, not at home. Me singing, me playing, me being funny. There I am in elementary school choir, in dance class, at an outside water fountain, on a swing set.. Sometimes aware of the camera and interacting with it, other times not. It was like looking at old pictures of myself, but they were moving and talking.
I looked for some clarification. The letters were scrambled. ABEL PAYNE, it said- in an attempt to hide itself, I thought. But I had found them. I found person who had posted these videos and they admitted that they had videos of nearly my entire childhood at school. Are there videos of other people?, I asked. No, they replied. I can't remember now if it was a man or a woman- a woman, I think. She said there was nothing harful intended. She had just been fascinated with me and thought I was special. It was strange. So strange.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Michael
'Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.' -Einstein
Sunday, July 05, 2009
A Great Humanitarian Is Gone.
Everyone tried to call me when they heard the news, anticipating how it would devastate me. My first reaction was more relief than disbelief. Somewhere inside I had known that Michael was not much longer for this world. I was relieved because his life had seemed so full of pain to me, and in the last ten years it had become unbearable to watch.
Last night I attended a celebration of the Man, the Myth, the Musician. Watching video after video surrounded by fans as enthusiastic and as true as myself, I got lost in the magic. I sang at the top of my lungs, laughed, hooted, and danced. It felt great.
But when I woke up this morning, I couldn't stop crying. The other side of the relief had taken some time to hit me, but I couldn't escape the immense loss anymore. What I thought of was the gentle person who gave so much of himself to truly see change come to the world. The man who's face was genuinely alight in the presence of children, and how much it hurt him to see suffering.
When Kurt Cobain died, I saw a young guy wearing a shirt that said Kurt Cobain= John Lennon. To tell you the truth, I had a hard time finding the connection. But what I thought of today was how, in reality, in the way they lived their message, Michael Jackson was much more similar. He really used his place as a super star to try to show people what it really meant to give- to truly start with the Man In the Mirror and change his ways.
For the rest of my life I will rock, dance, sing, and scream to the King of Pop's music. When I think of the man though, I will think of the soul behind the celebrity- the one who wanted to Heal the World, and who's message of light and love reached so many people on this earth. The world has lost one of it's most genuine, giving, and influential humanitarians, and that is the legacy that I hope will live on alongside the music and the moves.
Michael, you touched my heart so many times, and I will miss your beautiful spirit. I really do hope you are happy and at peace now.
Last night I attended a celebration of the Man, the Myth, the Musician. Watching video after video surrounded by fans as enthusiastic and as true as myself, I got lost in the magic. I sang at the top of my lungs, laughed, hooted, and danced. It felt great.
But when I woke up this morning, I couldn't stop crying. The other side of the relief had taken some time to hit me, but I couldn't escape the immense loss anymore. What I thought of was the gentle person who gave so much of himself to truly see change come to the world. The man who's face was genuinely alight in the presence of children, and how much it hurt him to see suffering.
When Kurt Cobain died, I saw a young guy wearing a shirt that said Kurt Cobain= John Lennon. To tell you the truth, I had a hard time finding the connection. But what I thought of today was how, in reality, in the way they lived their message, Michael Jackson was much more similar. He really used his place as a super star to try to show people what it really meant to give- to truly start with the Man In the Mirror and change his ways.
For the rest of my life I will rock, dance, sing, and scream to the King of Pop's music. When I think of the man though, I will think of the soul behind the celebrity- the one who wanted to Heal the World, and who's message of light and love reached so many people on this earth. The world has lost one of it's most genuine, giving, and influential humanitarians, and that is the legacy that I hope will live on alongside the music and the moves.
Michael, you touched my heart so many times, and I will miss your beautiful spirit. I really do hope you are happy and at peace now.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Album Review: American Doll Posse + Abnormally Attracted To Sin (Tori Amos)
A couple of years ago when Tori Amos came out with American Doll Posse, I was convinced it would be her big come back into my life. So convinced was I that I went straight out to buy the new album without more than a listen to the catchy first single "Big Wheel". Actually, I was almost right. And I got excited about it. It was some of the best stuff I'd heard from her in... I won't start counting- but it didn't knock the chip (which has been steadily growing since the first theme album) completely off my shoulder.
Let's face it: ADP was too long. It was obvious to me that Tori felt it imperative to give all of her girls equal time. In this case when I say girls, I'm actually not talking about Tori's usual reference to her songs, but the female "personalities" that "wrote" and "performed" ADP: Santa, Pip, Isabel, Claude, and of course Tori. This being her latest theme album in a seemingly endless slew of them, Tori has gotten herself used to the rule that all parts of the theme get equal time. So each lady, you may have noticed, had just about the same number of songs.. how neat. And awful. It was obvious that to give each lady her alloted number of songs, Tori had to come up with a couple of extra tunes for the ladies that weren't as vocal or present as some of the others. Even if this meant putting some crap songs on the album, Tori couldn't stand cheating any of the ladies out of their equal say.
Now this frustrated me to no end because in my opinion, had ADP been about 10-12 songs long it would have been the uncompromising return of the true goddess. The goddess who really cared about quality control and not putting anything out there unless it was 200%. Sure, sure, you can say that she stood up and put out an unconventional album at an unconventional length because she wants to prove that she has total control over her music and she can do whatever she wants, but- and call me whatever you want here- I just find it self-indulgent and tiresome.
I wish Tori would give her fans a little credit. We who have been die-hards for nearly 20 years know that the girl cranks out more songs than Little Debbie cranks out cupcakes. We know that she's quirky and usually cryptic as hell. We know that she's battled against the norm in a business filled with men and general bad-guys and she's prevailed. We know that she's made an empire for herself by learning killer marketing strategies that we've all jumped at the chance to throw money at even though we recognize them as marketing strategies. After all this we are still in love with her. We still want to support her. She's the queen of singles and B-sides (the collectors have dozens of them). The queen of meet-and-greet VIP packages (the high price is worth meeting her, isn't it?). She's the queen of touring. She's earned the right to do whatever she wants now. And we'll let her.
But Tori, don't you know a little something about us too by now? Don't you think we see through some of it? It seems to me like Tori needs someone close to her to say, "Hey, Tori, you already did the dressing up like other people thing. You've done the theme album thing to death. All of your albums have between 18-24 songs and what about the joy of the B-sides that didn't make the cut?" Where is that friend? Where is that person who can stand up and say, Tori- go back to the farm. Eat some biscuits. Drink some iced tea. Walk in your bare feet. Remember what all of that is like?"
I'd say at this point the most original, stunning, and desirable thing that Tori could do would be to drop the band, stop trying to be the poster child for sin, anti-religion, and bad-girl archetypes and just write about what she's feeling inside. Reflect on the journey. On life, love, motherhood, meaning. Who wouldn't love to encounter some bare-bones Tori again?
Here's the abbreviated cut of ADP that I listen to:
american doll posse: abbreviated
1 big wheel
2 bouncing off clouds
3 mr. bad man
4 girl disappearing
5 secret spell
6 father's son
7 programmable soda
8 code red
9 roosterspur bridge
10 beauty of speed
11 dark side of the sun
12 smokey joe
I intended to write a review of the new album Abnormally Attracted To Sin, but I couldn't do it without first articulating my feelings on the previous album. Now that you know I thought ADP was much too long, I guess it's pretty obvious where I'm going with AATS. Waaaaay too long. This album has even fewer gems than its predecessor, so you really shouldn't hide them in all that self-involved rambling.
I'm posting an early abbreviated track list for AATS as well, but so far I haven't actually been able to find enough songs that stand out to feel very confident about any track list at all for this album. Nevertheless, here are the songs that didn't put me to sleep or made me want to poke my eye out (may change my mind about that though):
1 give
2 welcome to england
3 flavor
4 not dying today
5 maybe california
6 fire to your plain
7 500 miles
8 fast horse
9 ophelia
10 lady in blue
Edit 5/29/09
** Note **
I realize now that the list above is just the songs that don't horribly suck. I don't actually like any of them. I don't actually like this album at all. I'd rather listen to Strange Little Girls-- at least there are two to three pretty good songs on that one.
Let's face it: ADP was too long. It was obvious to me that Tori felt it imperative to give all of her girls equal time. In this case when I say girls, I'm actually not talking about Tori's usual reference to her songs, but the female "personalities" that "wrote" and "performed" ADP: Santa, Pip, Isabel, Claude, and of course Tori. This being her latest theme album in a seemingly endless slew of them, Tori has gotten herself used to the rule that all parts of the theme get equal time. So each lady, you may have noticed, had just about the same number of songs.. how neat. And awful. It was obvious that to give each lady her alloted number of songs, Tori had to come up with a couple of extra tunes for the ladies that weren't as vocal or present as some of the others. Even if this meant putting some crap songs on the album, Tori couldn't stand cheating any of the ladies out of their equal say.
Now this frustrated me to no end because in my opinion, had ADP been about 10-12 songs long it would have been the uncompromising return of the true goddess. The goddess who really cared about quality control and not putting anything out there unless it was 200%. Sure, sure, you can say that she stood up and put out an unconventional album at an unconventional length because she wants to prove that she has total control over her music and she can do whatever she wants, but- and call me whatever you want here- I just find it self-indulgent and tiresome.
I wish Tori would give her fans a little credit. We who have been die-hards for nearly 20 years know that the girl cranks out more songs than Little Debbie cranks out cupcakes. We know that she's quirky and usually cryptic as hell. We know that she's battled against the norm in a business filled with men and general bad-guys and she's prevailed. We know that she's made an empire for herself by learning killer marketing strategies that we've all jumped at the chance to throw money at even though we recognize them as marketing strategies. After all this we are still in love with her. We still want to support her. She's the queen of singles and B-sides (the collectors have dozens of them). The queen of meet-and-greet VIP packages (the high price is worth meeting her, isn't it?). She's the queen of touring. She's earned the right to do whatever she wants now. And we'll let her.
But Tori, don't you know a little something about us too by now? Don't you think we see through some of it? It seems to me like Tori needs someone close to her to say, "Hey, Tori, you already did the dressing up like other people thing. You've done the theme album thing to death. All of your albums have between 18-24 songs and what about the joy of the B-sides that didn't make the cut?" Where is that friend? Where is that person who can stand up and say, Tori- go back to the farm. Eat some biscuits. Drink some iced tea. Walk in your bare feet. Remember what all of that is like?"
I'd say at this point the most original, stunning, and desirable thing that Tori could do would be to drop the band, stop trying to be the poster child for sin, anti-religion, and bad-girl archetypes and just write about what she's feeling inside. Reflect on the journey. On life, love, motherhood, meaning. Who wouldn't love to encounter some bare-bones Tori again?
Here's the abbreviated cut of ADP that I listen to:
american doll posse: abbreviated
1 big wheel
2 bouncing off clouds
3 mr. bad man
4 girl disappearing
5 secret spell
6 father's son
7 programmable soda
8 code red
9 roosterspur bridge
10 beauty of speed
11 dark side of the sun
12 smokey joe
I intended to write a review of the new album Abnormally Attracted To Sin, but I couldn't do it without first articulating my feelings on the previous album. Now that you know I thought ADP was much too long, I guess it's pretty obvious where I'm going with AATS. Waaaaay too long. This album has even fewer gems than its predecessor, so you really shouldn't hide them in all that self-involved rambling.
I'm posting an early abbreviated track list for AATS as well, but so far I haven't actually been able to find enough songs that stand out to feel very confident about any track list at all for this album. Nevertheless, here are the songs that didn't put me to sleep or made me want to poke my eye out (may change my mind about that though):
1 give
2 welcome to england
3 flavor
4 not dying today
5 maybe california
6 fire to your plain
7 500 miles
8 fast horse
9 ophelia
10 lady in blue
Edit 5/29/09
** Note **
I realize now that the list above is just the songs that don't horribly suck. I don't actually like any of them. I don't actually like this album at all. I'd rather listen to Strange Little Girls-- at least there are two to three pretty good songs on that one.
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